I finally found a lube that doesn't burn!

I finally found a lube that doesn't burn! It is Astroglide All-Natural. And, it is the best one I have found.
Yesterday, I was able to insert both dilator number one and then dilator two with very little pain. This means, I'm halfway there!
But, I'm tired. I'm busy. I'm sick of doing these exercises!
I have been offered a full-time job in my field, however it doesn't pay enough for my husband to quit his and go back to school. So, I'm working full-time and searching for a better job. I have an interview soon for a job that would pay enough. But, I doubt I have enough experience to get it. And, I only have like 3 weeks to get a better job or he will have to wait until January to go back to school.
I'm tired of everything!

Lube Burns

I cannot find a lube that does not burn! I tried KY and it burned! I tried a warming lube someone gave me for my lingerie shower before I got married and it burned! I tried Astro Glide and it burned! So, finally my husband bought an all-natural brand of Astro Glide. I will try that next. I was able to insert the smallest dilator multiple times today. The only pain was from the burning of the lubes. I will try dilator 2, if I don't have problems with dilator 1 next time. Hopefully, this new lube won't burn.
P.S. I just saw a preview for a show on TLC called Strange Sex. I think they will be mentioning vaginismus, so I'm going to try and watch it. We need to be heard! I just hope someone out there is reading this blog. And, that it's helping.

No Pain, Today

I was able to insert the 1st dilator with no pain whatsoever, today. This is the first time I have felt no pain or discomfort at all when inserting. I was able to insert it 4 times and move it around a little with no pain at all.
Yay!

I spend an unusual amount of time with ice on my crotch

I spend an unusual amount of time with ice on my crotch. After my surgery, I to spent three days in bed with ice on my crotch 24 hours a day. Today, I am back to the couch with more ice on my crotch. This is the product of trying to do too much too fast.
Today, I inserted the smallest dilator with little pain. So, I tried to insert the 2nd dilator. This is where the problems started. It hurt while I was inserting it, but I kept going. I ended up getting it almost all of the way in. But, it hurt so much I felt like I was going to pass out. I took it out and was still in pain. As of right now, I still can't sit directly down. And, I'm on the couch with an ice pack. It hurts. This proves that I was trying to move too fast too soon. I have decided to go back to dilator number one. I will not move on to dilator number two until I can insert one in and out and all around with no pain whatsoever. This may take longer, but I definitely can't do this again.

Still Hurting But Still Progressing

I made some more progress, today. After taking two days off, I decided I would try to insert the smallest dilator, again. I was able to insert it three different times, but the first two times it burned and was very uncomfortable. I then decided that I would try to lubricate the dilator with the sample of Astro Glide that came with the dilators. I had been using KY, but I think that may be contributing to the burning feeling I have been experiencing. I was able to insert the smallest dilator with the Astro Glide without pain. I will now be sending my husband out to buy more Astro Glide.
I then decided to take the next step and try to insert the 2nd dilator. The measurements for the 2nd dilator are:
2 - Dilator 15/16" [24mm] 1-1/16" [27mm] 4-5/16" [110mm]
I was able to get this dilator about half of the way in. However, it was very uncomfortable and started to hurt. So, I pulled it out. I plan on taking tomorrow night off because I have to work. (I am now working as a part-time reporter at a newspaper until I find something full-time and I have to cover a board meeting). I will try again on Tuesday. I will insert the smallest dilator again and then move on the the 2nd again. I hope I am able to get the 2nd dilator in all the way.
P.S. You may be wondering how I have a journalism degree and work as a reporter when most of my posts have AP,grammar and spelling mistakes. I really try to write this in the same manner as I would talk to or text a friend. Also, this is an outlet for me. So, I don't really want to spend time concentrating on AP Style and checking my spelling. I just want to be as honest as possible and get my story out there.
I want to help those of you who are also suffering.

Think of yourself as on the threshold of unparalleled success

I had more success with smallest dilator, today. I inserted the smallest dilator with relatively little pain. However, once I got it all the way in, I started to have a panic attack. I felt as if I was about to pass out. I ended up only being able to hold it in for a little while before taking it out.
After leaving it out for a few minutes, I reinserted it. This time it went in pretty fast and pretty painlessly. I was able to do the pelvic floor exercises while it was in and I was also able to pull it in and out a few times. I did all of this with very little pain.
I do feel a little sore now, but nothing too bad. I plan on taking the next few days off to rest. I'm also going to be in a wedding this weekend, so I will be out of town. So, Sunday I will start back up.
I plan on doing the extended time exercise on Sunday. This is where I will take the smallest dilator off of the holder and insert it. I will then put my underwear back on and try to leave the dilator inserted in my vagina for an extended period of time. The book suggested at least 30 minutes.
The pelvic floor exercises are designed to help you control your pelvic floor muscles. The Completely Overcome Vaginismus book suggests that you complete the floor exercises before you start inserting the dilators, then continue to do the exercises while the dilators are in.
There are four types of exercises; The Clamp- Flex (tighten) the PC muscles hard for three seconds and then relax them for three seconds, The Blink- Flex the PC muscles hard and then relax them as fast as you can in a flickering manner, The Slow Mo- Using the PC muscles, slowly squeeze your lips shut and pull up you pelvic floor as far as you can until it feels tight. Then slowly release, letting the pelvic floor down and out all the way.
It feels great to have success, but the rest of the dilators still seem pretty imposible...

A Little Bit of Regression and Everything Sucks

Everything Sucks

Well, it looks like I have regressed a little. Yesterday, I was able to insert the smallest dilator all the way with very little pain. However, today when I tried to insert the smallest dilator, it hurt and burned a lot. I was only able to insert it about 1/3 of the way in, before I had to take it out. That sucks. I feel so discouraged! I thought I was making such progress! :(
I think I am going to give myself tomorrow off. Maybe, it just hurt so much because I was still sore from yesterday. I will try the smallest dilator again on Thursday. Hopefully, it won't hurt. And, from then on I will only try insertions every other day, so as not to get too sore. All I can do is wait and see what Thursday brings, I guess...

Regression Sucks. Vaginismus Sucks. That Burning Pain feeling Sucks. Dilators Suck. KY Sucks. Everything Sucks.

3 1/2" In

I had success with the first dilator today! These are the measurements for the first dilator I have:

Unit Front Diameter Back Diameter Length
1 - Dilator 3/4" [19mm] 7/8" [22mm] 3-1/2" [90mm]

I was actually surprised that once I got the dilator in, it still only hurt at the opening. And, it didn't really hurt that bad. It felt more like a burning or a pinching at the opening and I couldn't really feel it at all past the opening. I am super excited with this progress! I feel like I finally have some real progress to report.
But, I also know what it is like to be out there scouring the internet and only find blogs about people who are making progress and cry because I wasn't. Remember, I had these books and dilators for two whole years before I made any progress. That is because I didn't know I had a medical condition, a rigid hymen, that was preventing progress. So, I definitely encourage you to see a gynecologist who understands these types of problems. The first gyno I saw, when I was 18, told me not to worry everything would take of itself when I got married. What a jerk! I had to see a sex therapist first, who then set up an appointment for me with a nurse practitioner who had experience working with women who suffered from vaginismus.
It is so much easier when you have people around you who support and understand what you are going through!
:)

My Tools

I just thought I would let y'all know what kind of books and dilators I have been using. Almost three years ago, I bought the Vaginismus kit from vaginismus.com. It included books and dilators.
Unfortunately, I spent years thinking it had not worked for me. However, I later found out I still had an intact hymen. So, since I have had the hymenectomy, I have started using them again.
I haven't had success with the dilators, yet. But, that is because I haven't worked up from the q-tips,fingers and tampons, yet. However, I have had success with the diagrams in the book. I would recommend it to you if you have vaginismus. It cost a little over $100.

Not as quick as I thought

Well, I thought I would be able to insert the smallest dilator, today. I was wrong. I could not get it in any further than yesterday. I could only get the very very tip of it in. So, then I tried to insert the tampon. I got it in about half-way, but it started to burn to I took it out after a few minutes.
Finally, I decided that I would try to insert my middle finger. I had more success with this. It didn't burn at all. This is what felt the most natural. I think the cotton on the q-tip and the tampon burns me. Anyway, this felt the most natural and I was able to get it in all the way to my knuckle and it didn't hurt at all. I felt like I could have gotten it in further but the way I was sitting, my arm couldn't reach far enough.
I think I will try the finger again tomorrow. I will try to get it in all the way. If I have success with that, then I will try the smallest dilator. So, I guess I am making progress. I just wish I could make it faster.

My Vagina Can't Give A Monologue- Bea Arthur

I have made a little bit more progress. Today, I decided that I would try to insert two q-tips that would allow more width. So, I did. I got the heads of both q-tips in but, couldn't insert them much further than that without it burning. So, I left them in for about 5 minutes. I didn't push them in much further than the head because they felt as if they were at a weird angle. But, I did experience less dizziness and less freaking out!
Then, I decided to get out my Completely Overcome Vaginismus book and study my anatomy. I did that and was really surprised that I could see everything and it looked the same as the picture in the book. My kit also came with medical grade q-tips, which are a lot longer than normal ones and only have one head. So, I decided to try and insert that. I did. I got in in about 3/4 of the way. I think I probably could have gotten it in further but, I don't think it had enough KY on it. I also discovered that I can insert things a lot easier if I go at left angle.
After doing this, I decided to get the dilators out. They just seemed so huge to me! It seems like there is a huge difference between the q-tip and the smallest dilator. The smallest one is a little bit bigger than a man's index finger. So, I decided that I would put the smallest dilator up to my vaginal opening just to see how it looked. Once I got it up there, it didn't seem as big. I was actually able to push it in just a tad bit. I was only able to get it in a tiny, tiny, tiny amount. But, that feels like a HUGE success to me.
That is where I ended things, today. I don't want try too much and make myself sore. I will probably try again tomorrow. I might try a tampon or I might just try the smallest dilator. At this rate, by the time my husband's busy season at work is over in three weeks, I'll have made it to the biggest dilator and we'll be ready to go! Ha.
Also, for a while I felt like no one was reading this except for my sex therapist. But, Thursday I installed a counter on it and I've already had 35 hits! I hope I am helping whoever is out there reading this. I think it is helping me a lot. It not only gives me a place to discuss my thoughts and feelings, it also keeps me on
track. Now, I know there is someone out there reading this and waiting to see what happens. Thank you!
P.S. It's not fair! It's not fair this is so difficult for me! It's not fair that I am getting so excited over small steps! It's not this hard for everyone else, why me?!? Even though I know there are a lot more people going through this, I still feel alone a lot of the time. I still feel like no one truly understands how difficult this is, not the doctor, or nurse, or therapist, or my husband, or anyone that isn't going through this.
See? Just because I'm making some progress doesn't make me well-adjusted.

More Progress!! :)

Update: I was able to get the q-tip all the way in where only the opposite round end was sticking out!!!!!!!!
Progress!!
I think I had more success tonight because of my position. Yesterday, I was just sitting on the floor with my legs open. Today, I was kind of laying back. So, I think it was easier.
I still felt like I was freaking out a little, though. I still felt dizzy and like I was going to pass out. Also, I felt a little burning sensation after it had been in for about 3 minutes. When the burning started, I started to freak out a little more and felt even dizzier. But, I was able to calm down and leave it in for about five minutes.
Also, it didn't hurt at all when I was pulling it out. This is an improvement from yesterday. I think that had a lot to do with my position, as well.
P.S. I have a job interview for a position doing exactly what I want to do in life, tomorrow!! So, it has been a pretty great day! The only down side is it is only a part-time position for now. And, I really need something full-time because my husband is studying computer science and needs to be a full-time student. But, overall I'm happy with how today has turned out!

Thank God for tiny Q-tip Blessings

Inspired by reading Butterfly's blog and my book I decided to try to insert a Q-tip. I used KY and was able to insert it a little. Basically, I just got the actual cotton tip part in.
It didn't hurt at all, but I felt like I was freaking out a little. Every time I tried to push it in further I felt dizzy and like I was going to pass out and automatically shut my knees. I was able to get it in very far because I kept freaking out, feeling like I was going to pass out and that caused my muscles tighten which caused a burn.
So, I just left it in where it was for a while. Which really opened a whole new door of emotions. I actually have tears in my eyes writing this because it was so surreal. First of all, just looking in the mirror and opening up I could see there actually was a tiny opening there. Which never was there before! Before I felt like I didn't ever know really where I was trying to push because everything was so closed up! But, now I can see!
So basically, I just left it in for about 10 minutes letting my body get used to the feeling of having something in it. Which, I can say helped emotionally. Just setting there where something inserted inside my was crazy!! I actually took a picture, LOL, to show my husband when he gets home. Let's hope I don't lose that memory card!!
But, I am considering this a SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for small successes and q-tip blessings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Found Someone Like Me!

I have found someone who is going through a lot of the same things I am. She is also married and is also suffering from vaginismus. She has had some success with penetration and physical therapy as well as some set backs. She is blogging about them at www.vaginismusawarness.wordpress.com
I commented on her post but, couldn't find anyway to directly contact her. I would like to be in direct contact, though. I feel like she could really help me. It is very reassuring knowing there is someone out there going through everything I have gone through and is working through it. She has been able to have penetration, although she did state it is still painful, and is now pregnant!
Now, I just wish my husband would get a MINUTE off of work so we could do our exercises. I have decided that I am going to try and work on some stuff on my own since he is having to work so much, now. I am starting to do a Yoga DVD I have to relax and I am also do some exploring by using a hand mirror to look and touch. Also, I have gotten out my Vaginismus book and am trying to relearn both the actual anatomy and how it works and maybe try some more pelvic floor exercises! I am excited to get started!
I want my husband to get a day off!!!!

Sex and The City Envy

I the 22-year-old married virgin am I die-hard Sex and The City fan. This is ironic for several reasons. First and foremost, I am a virgin. Secondly, I was not only married at 19. I married the only boy I ever loved. All three very un-Carrie Bradshaw like things.
However, I am still a die-hard SATC fan. I guess I relate most to Charlotte. She, like I, believe in true love and happy endings. And, she too was in a sexless marriage. Although, hers was the fault of the erectile dysfunction of her husband, Trey, whom she eventually left. So, not very reassuring there. And, of course I relate Carrie in the fact that we both hold Journalism degrees.
Anyway, there are two things I envy about Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda. The first of course being that they actually have sex lives. The second being their friendship. Do most women have this tight group of girl friends they talk so graphically too? I don't. Maybe it was where I was brought up. We are modest bunch here in the south. Most things aren't spoken about. Even when the group of girl friends I have do talk about sex it isn't in near detail of the SATC crowd. I of course try to remain mum, contributing very little. Because I have very little to contribute.
It isn't just the candor in which they speak about their sex lives I envy. It is their overall friendship. I just don't feel that close to my friends, I guess. That I could open up to them about such personal issues. For instance, no one but my husband knows about my vaginismus. Maybe that is what makes me introverted about sex.
Maybe I just have an overall problem opening up to people after losing such a great friend in such a violent way. (I had a good friend commit suicide almost two years ago). I don't know. What I do know is, I have Sex and The City Envy.

Lousy with Virginity

Look at me, I'm Franny G
Lousy with Virginity
Won't go to bed,
even though I'm legally wed
I can't! I'm Franny G


That's my virgin of Sandra D from Grease!

How does a dead man over 80 inspire me to overcome vaginismus?

My grandfather was born in the 20's to poor sharecroppers. He fought in two wars. He was deemed a "war hero" by those who knew of the battles he fought. He served under General Patton and could have written first hand of accounts of the most historic battles in the world. But, he stayed quiet and moved back to the rural area he grew up in, venturing away only when his country called, speaking very rarely about the things he saw during years at war. By the time my grandfather was 20-years-old he had collected the bodies of his fellow soldiers on the beaches of Normandy, he had fought his way across Iwo Jimma and he had spent what would later be deemed "the longest winter", but is more commonly referred to as the, Battle of the Bulge,in Belgium. He saved five soldiers lives that day in Belgium. After being hit several times himself, he still managed to pull them to safety before doctoring his own wounds and continuing to fight while moving the rest of his men to higher ground. He was a hero. He was awarded medals and honors. They even named the VFW building in town after him. He was a man who spent his life honoring this country, his word and his family.
If you would have asked about being a "war hero" when he was alive, he would have just smiled a small sad smile and pull a faded picture out of his wallet. He would have told you that was his brother. His name was Wally and he was just 21-years-old when he was killed at Pearl Harbor. He would have told you Wally was the hero, not him.
But, he did talk to me about once. He told me that although he has heard people have a fight or flight instinct, he must not have one. Because, all he could think about was doing what he had to do and fighting his way out of there. And, to get as many of his "brothers" out of there as possible.
I realize it may not be the same. But, that is what I plan to do with this condition. To fight to get out of this place. And, to blog about it to help as many of you get out of this place as well. I feel that we are sort of an army. An army entrenched in silence. He told me he rarely talked about the battles he was in because no one unless they were there would understand. It would be impossible. I feel that way about vaginismus. That you have to be going through it to understand.
So, my new fourth of July goal is to fight my way out of this war. How can I not? I don't think I have a flight instinct, either.