Try and Try and Try again

I try and try and try again and still can't get past 1/4 of the way in on the last one I'm going to use. I can do the one before it just fine,but the last one hurts so much.
I'm just going to try and try and try again, I guess.

3/4 a dilator away!

I've been working and it's been hard, but I think I'm getting closer. I've gotten the last dilator I'm going to use 1/4 of the way in. I'm hoping once it gets all of the way in, I'll be able to have sex!
I actually tried this weekend but, couldn't get it in at all and couldn't even find a position that I thought might work.
I've been having some trouble lately, but I think I'm back on my way!
My goal is still Mid-December.

Still working at it!

Still on dilator 3...
I've only been trying about once a week because I've been so busy at work. But, I'm making a vow to try at least 3 times a week from now on. Plus, my husband is able to play a more active role now because his job demands have slowed down. So, I'm hoping I will be able to have sex by mid-December. That is when our anniversary is. I don't want to go another anniversary without being able to have sex...

Will this ever end?

Two steps back. I was only able to get dilator 3 in 1/4 of the way tonight. It hurts. I suck. I fail.

It's like I'm always stuck in second gear

I am stuck. I'm stuck on dilator 3. I can get it halfway in, but no further. It goes in easily. It doesn't hurt, but I get it about halfway in and it's like I hit a wall. I can't go any further. It has been like this for about three weeks. I'm stuck. And, being stuck makes me dread doing it and makes me put it off. Sometimes I still feel like It's never going to happen. It doesn't hurt anymore. I just can't.
I'm stuck in a place where my husband can't go back to college because I can't find a job that pays enough to support us.
I'm stuck in this crappy town because I can't find a job to take me out of it.
It's like I'm always stuck in second gear.

I've never known the loving of a man, but it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

For a while I stalled at dilator three. I couldn't get passed a quarter of the way in. I tried laying down, sitting up, leg on the toilet everything. But, couldn't get more than 1/4 of the way in.
Well, tonight I was finally able to get a little further in. I was able to get dilator 3 a little bit less than halfway in with little pain.
However, I hit a "wall" and couldn't go further than that. I still feel dizzy and like I can't breathe sometimes...
It's been four months and I can see the end of this ordeal in my sights.
It still sucks. It still hurts. It's still frustrating. It's still unfair. It's still hard. But, it's getting easier to handle. It's getting more routine. I don't feel like a freak of nature anymore. Now, it just kind of feels like physical therapy. I refer to it as my "exercises" and pencil it in on my calender. I kind of feel like my friend who has to do physical therapy exercises twice a week for a knee injury... It all seems less dramatic now.
I've said all along I would like to write about my experiences to help others. I still would. But I doubt I will ever be able to attach my real name to it. I would never be able to speak out. How hypocritical of me is that? I complain because it is so hidden and so secretive, but then I won't speak out about it either. I think mainly for my husband's sake. We've been together since high school. What would everyone back home say? What would our family say? I don't really think anyone would believe me anyway..It's been so well hidden for years.

Quick update

Hey!
I'm still here! I have done the exercises 2 or 3 times since the last blog post. I'm still on dilator 3 and haven't made much progress. Still only about 1/4 of the way in. But, there is no pain, just a "wall" feeling.
I've been so busy I haven't been able to post a lot but, I'm trying to keep you updated in case someone is out there.
I don't really feel a lot of emotions anymore when I do the exercises. Although I do kind of feel dizzy but not as much.
But, it is still hard for me to believe that will actually be able to have sex soon.
I've got to go now. I have a long day ahead! I will be helping give our state rep and congressman a tour of our local courthouse!