Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I've never known the loving of a man, but it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

For a while I stalled at dilator three. I couldn't get passed a quarter of the way in. I tried laying down, sitting up, leg on the toilet everything. But, couldn't get more than 1/4 of the way in.
Well, tonight I was finally able to get a little further in. I was able to get dilator 3 a little bit less than halfway in with little pain.
However, I hit a "wall" and couldn't go further than that. I still feel dizzy and like I can't breathe sometimes...
It's been four months and I can see the end of this ordeal in my sights.
It still sucks. It still hurts. It's still frustrating. It's still unfair. It's still hard. But, it's getting easier to handle. It's getting more routine. I don't feel like a freak of nature anymore. Now, it just kind of feels like physical therapy. I refer to it as my "exercises" and pencil it in on my calender. I kind of feel like my friend who has to do physical therapy exercises twice a week for a knee injury... It all seems less dramatic now.
I've said all along I would like to write about my experiences to help others. I still would. But I doubt I will ever be able to attach my real name to it. I would never be able to speak out. How hypocritical of me is that? I complain because it is so hidden and so secretive, but then I won't speak out about it either. I think mainly for my husband's sake. We've been together since high school. What would everyone back home say? What would our family say? I don't really think anyone would believe me anyway..It's been so well hidden for years.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Quick update

I'm still here! I have done the exercises 2 or 3 times since the last blog post. I'm still on dilator 3 and haven't made much progress. Still only about 1/4 of the way in. But, there is no pain, just a "wall" feeling.
I've been so busy I haven't been able to post a lot but, I'm trying to keep you updated in case someone is out there.
I don't really feel a lot of emotions anymore when I do the exercises. Although I do kind of feel dizzy but not as much.
But, it is still hard for me to believe that will actually be able to have sex soon.
I've got to go now. I have a long day ahead! I will be helping give our state rep and congressman a tour of our local courthouse!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

1/2 in by 1/2 in

I had a little more progress with dilator three today! I was able to insert it just a little bit more. I still have a good way to go on this one, but the good news is there are only 4 total, so I'm almost there!
I actually had less pain, less stinging and less burning than when with the smaller ones. It just feels like it's really tight and hard to push it in further. I'm working on this by continuing to do the PC floor exercises when I insert.
I'm feeling pretty good about it and getting closer to completion every time!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Step by Step, Day by Day

I had a little more success with dilator 3 yesterday. I was able to insert it about 1/2 inch more than I was able to last time. I had no pain at all while inserting dilator 1 or 2.
I feel this is a success! There are only for dilators, so I'm more than half-way there and it's only been about three months! :)
P.S. A friend called today about a possible job opportunity that would take me in a totally different direction than I had originally planned!But, a direction I'm excited about! I REALLY hope it works out!
P.P.S. I LOVE My Husband!

I'm moving along step by step and day by day

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Hello, Dilator 3

Today, I inserted dilator with ease, so I decided to move on to three. I got the tip of it inserted a little but if felt really sore so I didn't push it any further. But, that is a success for me. I am pretty happy about it and plan to do more exercises on Friday.
Dilator three is 1-1/8" [30mm] 1-1/4" [32mm] 5-1/2" [140mm]

Monday, August 9, 2010

Still at 2

I'm still at dilator 2. I used the dilators tonight for the first time in 3 or 4 days. It's been a crazy week. I got 1 in with no problem but, had some soreness with two. I think it has a lot to do with the spotting I've had today. I'm on the pill and am not set to be on my period but, I've only been on the pill a few months and still have some spotting, so I think that was contributing to the soreness.
I'm still halfway there.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

"Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.

I did exercises with dilator two again today. I was able to insert it twice. I did have a little soreness and discomfort, though. Hopefully that will be better next time.
It's been about three months and I'm halfway through. Sometimes I wish it could go faster. Sometimes I wonder if I could just forget the dilators and go ahead and try and have sex. Sometimes I'm sick of the dilators. Sometimes it is still hard for me to imagine that we will ever have sex.
But, I guess this is progress. I had zero progress for yours and in three months I have gone from q-tip, to 2 q-tips, to finger, to dilator one, to dilator two... I guess three months isn't really all that long.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Success with Dilator 2

I have had success with dilator two! That means only two more to go! I have slight discomfort, but nothing I too bad. I'm so excited to be making progress!