My Vagina Can't Give A Monologue- Bea Arthur

I have made a little bit more progress. Today, I decided that I would try to insert two q-tips that would allow more width. So, I did. I got the heads of both q-tips in but, couldn't insert them much further than that without it burning. So, I left them in for about 5 minutes. I didn't push them in much further than the head because they felt as if they were at a weird angle. But, I did experience less dizziness and less freaking out!
Then, I decided to get out my Completely Overcome Vaginismus book and study my anatomy. I did that and was really surprised that I could see everything and it looked the same as the picture in the book. My kit also came with medical grade q-tips, which are a lot longer than normal ones and only have one head. So, I decided to try and insert that. I did. I got in in about 3/4 of the way. I think I probably could have gotten it in further but, I don't think it had enough KY on it. I also discovered that I can insert things a lot easier if I go at left angle.
After doing this, I decided to get the dilators out. They just seemed so huge to me! It seems like there is a huge difference between the q-tip and the smallest dilator. The smallest one is a little bit bigger than a man's index finger. So, I decided that I would put the smallest dilator up to my vaginal opening just to see how it looked. Once I got it up there, it didn't seem as big. I was actually able to push it in just a tad bit. I was only able to get it in a tiny, tiny, tiny amount. But, that feels like a HUGE success to me.
That is where I ended things, today. I don't want try too much and make myself sore. I will probably try again tomorrow. I might try a tampon or I might just try the smallest dilator. At this rate, by the time my husband's busy season at work is over in three weeks, I'll have made it to the biggest dilator and we'll be ready to go! Ha.
Also, for a while I felt like no one was reading this except for my sex therapist. But, Thursday I installed a counter on it and I've already had 35 hits! I hope I am helping whoever is out there reading this. I think it is helping me a lot. It not only gives me a place to discuss my thoughts and feelings, it also keeps me on
track. Now, I know there is someone out there reading this and waiting to see what happens. Thank you!
P.S. It's not fair! It's not fair this is so difficult for me! It's not fair that I am getting so excited over small steps! It's not this hard for everyone else, why me?!? Even though I know there are a lot more people going through this, I still feel alone a lot of the time. I still feel like no one truly understands how difficult this is, not the doctor, or nurse, or therapist, or my husband, or anyone that isn't going through this.
See? Just because I'm making some progress doesn't make me well-adjusted.