I'm allergic to KY

I can't use KY. I can't use regular. I can't use sensitive. It burns. After a two-week break, I started the exercises again today. I didn't have problems pushing it in, it just burned too much to continue.
I'll get more lube and try again.

Moving On Up

I moved up to dilator three today! I was only able to get it in a little, but that's a success! Once I complete dilator three and can get it in with ease, I think I will be able to start trying to have sex!Yeah!
News Resolution: Have sex!

Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month!

Hello,

First off, December is the month for Ovarian Cancer Awareness. Please visit www.ovariancancer.org to donate! Ovarian cancer is one of the most deadly cancers. Only 39 percent of women diagnosed survive 10 years!!!
This is a very important issue to me because it runs in my family.
On another note,
I am still make relative progress with the dilators. I can insert dilator two with no pain. I tried three today and could only barely barely get it in. So, I went back to two and started working on moving it in circles and moving it in and out.Hopefully, that will help stretch me, so three will be easier.
It has been almost six month now...

Nov. 28

I'm still making progress on dilator 2. :)

Still here

Hey,

I'm still here and still working. I went back down to dilator two and have had some progress. I was able to get it in tonight with barely feeling it. Once I can do that comfortabley multiple times, I will move back up to dilator three. Once I can do that with dilator three, I should be good to go.
It's been about five and a half months. It may be taking longer than I thought,but I will accomplish this goal!

Try and Try and Try again

I try and try and try again and still can't get past 1/4 of the way in on the last one I'm going to use. I can do the one before it just fine,but the last one hurts so much.
I'm just going to try and try and try again, I guess.

3/4 a dilator away!

I've been working and it's been hard, but I think I'm getting closer. I've gotten the last dilator I'm going to use 1/4 of the way in. I'm hoping once it gets all of the way in, I'll be able to have sex!
I actually tried this weekend but, couldn't get it in at all and couldn't even find a position that I thought might work.
I've been having some trouble lately, but I think I'm back on my way!
My goal is still Mid-December.

Still working at it!

Still on dilator 3...
I've only been trying about once a week because I've been so busy at work. But, I'm making a vow to try at least 3 times a week from now on. Plus, my husband is able to play a more active role now because his job demands have slowed down. So, I'm hoping I will be able to have sex by mid-December. That is when our anniversary is. I don't want to go another anniversary without being able to have sex...

Will this ever end?

Two steps back. I was only able to get dilator 3 in 1/4 of the way tonight. It hurts. I suck. I fail.

It's like I'm always stuck in second gear

I am stuck. I'm stuck on dilator 3. I can get it halfway in, but no further. It goes in easily. It doesn't hurt, but I get it about halfway in and it's like I hit a wall. I can't go any further. It has been like this for about three weeks. I'm stuck. And, being stuck makes me dread doing it and makes me put it off. Sometimes I still feel like It's never going to happen. It doesn't hurt anymore. I just can't.
I'm stuck in a place where my husband can't go back to college because I can't find a job that pays enough to support us.
I'm stuck in this crappy town because I can't find a job to take me out of it.
It's like I'm always stuck in second gear.

I've never known the loving of a man, but it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

For a while I stalled at dilator three. I couldn't get passed a quarter of the way in. I tried laying down, sitting up, leg on the toilet everything. But, couldn't get more than 1/4 of the way in.
Well, tonight I was finally able to get a little further in. I was able to get dilator 3 a little bit less than halfway in with little pain.
However, I hit a "wall" and couldn't go further than that. I still feel dizzy and like I can't breathe sometimes...
It's been four months and I can see the end of this ordeal in my sights.
It still sucks. It still hurts. It's still frustrating. It's still unfair. It's still hard. But, it's getting easier to handle. It's getting more routine. I don't feel like a freak of nature anymore. Now, it just kind of feels like physical therapy. I refer to it as my "exercises" and pencil it in on my calender. I kind of feel like my friend who has to do physical therapy exercises twice a week for a knee injury... It all seems less dramatic now.
I've said all along I would like to write about my experiences to help others. I still would. But I doubt I will ever be able to attach my real name to it. I would never be able to speak out. How hypocritical of me is that? I complain because it is so hidden and so secretive, but then I won't speak out about it either. I think mainly for my husband's sake. We've been together since high school. What would everyone back home say? What would our family say? I don't really think anyone would believe me anyway..It's been so well hidden for years.

Quick update

Hey!
I'm still here! I have done the exercises 2 or 3 times since the last blog post. I'm still on dilator 3 and haven't made much progress. Still only about 1/4 of the way in. But, there is no pain, just a "wall" feeling.
I've been so busy I haven't been able to post a lot but, I'm trying to keep you updated in case someone is out there.
I don't really feel a lot of emotions anymore when I do the exercises. Although I do kind of feel dizzy but not as much.
But, it is still hard for me to believe that will actually be able to have sex soon.
I've got to go now. I have a long day ahead! I will be helping give our state rep and congressman a tour of our local courthouse!

1/2 in by 1/2 in

I had a little more progress with dilator three today! I was able to insert it just a little bit more. I still have a good way to go on this one, but the good news is there are only 4 total, so I'm almost there!
I actually had less pain, less stinging and less burning than when with the smaller ones. It just feels like it's really tight and hard to push it in further. I'm working on this by continuing to do the PC floor exercises when I insert.
I'm feeling pretty good about it and getting closer to completion every time!

Step by Step, Day by Day

I had a little more success with dilator 3 yesterday. I was able to insert it about 1/2 inch more than I was able to last time. I had no pain at all while inserting dilator 1 or 2.
I feel this is a success! There are only for dilators, so I'm more than half-way there and it's only been about three months! :)
P.S. A friend called today about a possible job opportunity that would take me in a totally different direction than I had originally planned!But, a direction I'm excited about! I REALLY hope it works out!
P.P.S. I LOVE My Husband!

I'm moving along step by step and day by day

Hello, Dilator 3

Today, I inserted dilator with ease, so I decided to move on to three. I got the tip of it inserted a little but if felt really sore so I didn't push it any further. But, that is a success for me. I am pretty happy about it and plan to do more exercises on Friday.
Dilator three is 1-1/8" [30mm] 1-1/4" [32mm] 5-1/2" [140mm]

Still at 2

I'm still at dilator 2. I used the dilators tonight for the first time in 3 or 4 days. It's been a crazy week. I got 1 in with no problem but, had some soreness with two. I think it has a lot to do with the spotting I've had today. I'm on the pill and am not set to be on my period but, I've only been on the pill a few months and still have some spotting, so I think that was contributing to the soreness.
I'm still halfway there.

"Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.

I did exercises with dilator two again today. I was able to insert it twice. I did have a little soreness and discomfort, though. Hopefully that will be better next time.
It's been about three months and I'm halfway through. Sometimes I wish it could go faster. Sometimes I wonder if I could just forget the dilators and go ahead and try and have sex. Sometimes I'm sick of the dilators. Sometimes it is still hard for me to imagine that we will ever have sex.
But, I guess this is progress. I had zero progress for yours and in three months I have gone from q-tip, to 2 q-tips, to finger, to dilator one, to dilator two... I guess three months isn't really all that long.

Success with Dilator 2

I have had success with dilator two! That means only two more to go! I have slight discomfort, but nothing I too bad. I'm so excited to be making progress!

I finally found a lube that doesn't burn!

I finally found a lube that doesn't burn! It is Astroglide All-Natural. And, it is the best one I have found.
Yesterday, I was able to insert both dilator number one and then dilator two with very little pain. This means, I'm halfway there!
But, I'm tired. I'm busy. I'm sick of doing these exercises!
I have been offered a full-time job in my field, however it doesn't pay enough for my husband to quit his and go back to school. So, I'm working full-time and searching for a better job. I have an interview soon for a job that would pay enough. But, I doubt I have enough experience to get it. And, I only have like 3 weeks to get a better job or he will have to wait until January to go back to school.
I'm tired of everything!

Lube Burns

I cannot find a lube that does not burn! I tried KY and it burned! I tried a warming lube someone gave me for my lingerie shower before I got married and it burned! I tried Astro Glide and it burned! So, finally my husband bought an all-natural brand of Astro Glide. I will try that next. I was able to insert the smallest dilator multiple times today. The only pain was from the burning of the lubes. I will try dilator 2, if I don't have problems with dilator 1 next time. Hopefully, this new lube won't burn.
P.S. I just saw a preview for a show on TLC called Strange Sex. I think they will be mentioning vaginismus, so I'm going to try and watch it. We need to be heard! I just hope someone out there is reading this blog. And, that it's helping.

No Pain, Today

I was able to insert the 1st dilator with no pain whatsoever, today. This is the first time I have felt no pain or discomfort at all when inserting. I was able to insert it 4 times and move it around a little with no pain at all.
Yay!

I spend an unusual amount of time with ice on my crotch

I spend an unusual amount of time with ice on my crotch. After my surgery, I to spent three days in bed with ice on my crotch 24 hours a day. Today, I am back to the couch with more ice on my crotch. This is the product of trying to do too much too fast.
Today, I inserted the smallest dilator with little pain. So, I tried to insert the 2nd dilator. This is where the problems started. It hurt while I was inserting it, but I kept going. I ended up getting it almost all of the way in. But, it hurt so much I felt like I was going to pass out. I took it out and was still in pain. As of right now, I still can't sit directly down. And, I'm on the couch with an ice pack. It hurts. This proves that I was trying to move too fast too soon. I have decided to go back to dilator number one. I will not move on to dilator number two until I can insert one in and out and all around with no pain whatsoever. This may take longer, but I definitely can't do this again.

Still Hurting But Still Progressing

I made some more progress, today. After taking two days off, I decided I would try to insert the smallest dilator, again. I was able to insert it three different times, but the first two times it burned and was very uncomfortable. I then decided that I would try to lubricate the dilator with the sample of Astro Glide that came with the dilators. I had been using KY, but I think that may be contributing to the burning feeling I have been experiencing. I was able to insert the smallest dilator with the Astro Glide without pain. I will now be sending my husband out to buy more Astro Glide.
I then decided to take the next step and try to insert the 2nd dilator. The measurements for the 2nd dilator are:
2 - Dilator 15/16" [24mm] 1-1/16" [27mm] 4-5/16" [110mm]
I was able to get this dilator about half of the way in. However, it was very uncomfortable and started to hurt. So, I pulled it out. I plan on taking tomorrow night off because I have to work. (I am now working as a part-time reporter at a newspaper until I find something full-time and I have to cover a board meeting). I will try again on Tuesday. I will insert the smallest dilator again and then move on the the 2nd again. I hope I am able to get the 2nd dilator in all the way.
P.S. You may be wondering how I have a journalism degree and work as a reporter when most of my posts have AP,grammar and spelling mistakes. I really try to write this in the same manner as I would talk to or text a friend. Also, this is an outlet for me. So, I don't really want to spend time concentrating on AP Style and checking my spelling. I just want to be as honest as possible and get my story out there.
I want to help those of you who are also suffering.

Think of yourself as on the threshold of unparalleled success

I had more success with smallest dilator, today. I inserted the smallest dilator with relatively little pain. However, once I got it all the way in, I started to have a panic attack. I felt as if I was about to pass out. I ended up only being able to hold it in for a little while before taking it out.
After leaving it out for a few minutes, I reinserted it. This time it went in pretty fast and pretty painlessly. I was able to do the pelvic floor exercises while it was in and I was also able to pull it in and out a few times. I did all of this with very little pain.
I do feel a little sore now, but nothing too bad. I plan on taking the next few days off to rest. I'm also going to be in a wedding this weekend, so I will be out of town. So, Sunday I will start back up.
I plan on doing the extended time exercise on Sunday. This is where I will take the smallest dilator off of the holder and insert it. I will then put my underwear back on and try to leave the dilator inserted in my vagina for an extended period of time. The book suggested at least 30 minutes.
The pelvic floor exercises are designed to help you control your pelvic floor muscles. The Completely Overcome Vaginismus book suggests that you complete the floor exercises before you start inserting the dilators, then continue to do the exercises while the dilators are in.
There are four types of exercises; The Clamp- Flex (tighten) the PC muscles hard for three seconds and then relax them for three seconds, The Blink- Flex the PC muscles hard and then relax them as fast as you can in a flickering manner, The Slow Mo- Using the PC muscles, slowly squeeze your lips shut and pull up you pelvic floor as far as you can until it feels tight. Then slowly release, letting the pelvic floor down and out all the way.
It feels great to have success, but the rest of the dilators still seem pretty imposible...

A Little Bit of Regression and Everything Sucks

Everything Sucks

Well, it looks like I have regressed a little. Yesterday, I was able to insert the smallest dilator all the way with very little pain. However, today when I tried to insert the smallest dilator, it hurt and burned a lot. I was only able to insert it about 1/3 of the way in, before I had to take it out. That sucks. I feel so discouraged! I thought I was making such progress! :(
I think I am going to give myself tomorrow off. Maybe, it just hurt so much because I was still sore from yesterday. I will try the smallest dilator again on Thursday. Hopefully, it won't hurt. And, from then on I will only try insertions every other day, so as not to get too sore. All I can do is wait and see what Thursday brings, I guess...

Regression Sucks. Vaginismus Sucks. That Burning Pain feeling Sucks. Dilators Suck. KY Sucks. Everything Sucks.

3 1/2" In

I had success with the first dilator today! These are the measurements for the first dilator I have:

Unit Front Diameter Back Diameter Length
1 - Dilator 3/4" [19mm] 7/8" [22mm] 3-1/2" [90mm]

I was actually surprised that once I got the dilator in, it still only hurt at the opening. And, it didn't really hurt that bad. It felt more like a burning or a pinching at the opening and I couldn't really feel it at all past the opening. I am super excited with this progress! I feel like I finally have some real progress to report.
But, I also know what it is like to be out there scouring the internet and only find blogs about people who are making progress and cry because I wasn't. Remember, I had these books and dilators for two whole years before I made any progress. That is because I didn't know I had a medical condition, a rigid hymen, that was preventing progress. So, I definitely encourage you to see a gynecologist who understands these types of problems. The first gyno I saw, when I was 18, told me not to worry everything would take of itself when I got married. What a jerk! I had to see a sex therapist first, who then set up an appointment for me with a nurse practitioner who had experience working with women who suffered from vaginismus.
It is so much easier when you have people around you who support and understand what you are going through!
:)

My Tools

I just thought I would let y'all know what kind of books and dilators I have been using. Almost three years ago, I bought the Vaginismus kit from vaginismus.com. It included books and dilators.
Unfortunately, I spent years thinking it had not worked for me. However, I later found out I still had an intact hymen. So, since I have had the hymenectomy, I have started using them again.
I haven't had success with the dilators, yet. But, that is because I haven't worked up from the q-tips,fingers and tampons, yet. However, I have had success with the diagrams in the book. I would recommend it to you if you have vaginismus. It cost a little over $100.

Not as quick as I thought

Well, I thought I would be able to insert the smallest dilator, today. I was wrong. I could not get it in any further than yesterday. I could only get the very very tip of it in. So, then I tried to insert the tampon. I got it in about half-way, but it started to burn to I took it out after a few minutes.
Finally, I decided that I would try to insert my middle finger. I had more success with this. It didn't burn at all. This is what felt the most natural. I think the cotton on the q-tip and the tampon burns me. Anyway, this felt the most natural and I was able to get it in all the way to my knuckle and it didn't hurt at all. I felt like I could have gotten it in further but the way I was sitting, my arm couldn't reach far enough.
I think I will try the finger again tomorrow. I will try to get it in all the way. If I have success with that, then I will try the smallest dilator. So, I guess I am making progress. I just wish I could make it faster.

My Vagina Can't Give A Monologue- Bea Arthur

I have made a little bit more progress. Today, I decided that I would try to insert two q-tips that would allow more width. So, I did. I got the heads of both q-tips in but, couldn't insert them much further than that without it burning. So, I left them in for about 5 minutes. I didn't push them in much further than the head because they felt as if they were at a weird angle. But, I did experience less dizziness and less freaking out!
Then, I decided to get out my Completely Overcome Vaginismus book and study my anatomy. I did that and was really surprised that I could see everything and it looked the same as the picture in the book. My kit also came with medical grade q-tips, which are a lot longer than normal ones and only have one head. So, I decided to try and insert that. I did. I got in in about 3/4 of the way. I think I probably could have gotten it in further but, I don't think it had enough KY on it. I also discovered that I can insert things a lot easier if I go at left angle.
After doing this, I decided to get the dilators out. They just seemed so huge to me! It seems like there is a huge difference between the q-tip and the smallest dilator. The smallest one is a little bit bigger than a man's index finger. So, I decided that I would put the smallest dilator up to my vaginal opening just to see how it looked. Once I got it up there, it didn't seem as big. I was actually able to push it in just a tad bit. I was only able to get it in a tiny, tiny, tiny amount. But, that feels like a HUGE success to me.
That is where I ended things, today. I don't want try too much and make myself sore. I will probably try again tomorrow. I might try a tampon or I might just try the smallest dilator. At this rate, by the time my husband's busy season at work is over in three weeks, I'll have made it to the biggest dilator and we'll be ready to go! Ha.
Also, for a while I felt like no one was reading this except for my sex therapist. But, Thursday I installed a counter on it and I've already had 35 hits! I hope I am helping whoever is out there reading this. I think it is helping me a lot. It not only gives me a place to discuss my thoughts and feelings, it also keeps me on
track. Now, I know there is someone out there reading this and waiting to see what happens. Thank you!
P.S. It's not fair! It's not fair this is so difficult for me! It's not fair that I am getting so excited over small steps! It's not this hard for everyone else, why me?!? Even though I know there are a lot more people going through this, I still feel alone a lot of the time. I still feel like no one truly understands how difficult this is, not the doctor, or nurse, or therapist, or my husband, or anyone that isn't going through this.
See? Just because I'm making some progress doesn't make me well-adjusted.

More Progress!! :)

Update: I was able to get the q-tip all the way in where only the opposite round end was sticking out!!!!!!!!
Progress!!
I think I had more success tonight because of my position. Yesterday, I was just sitting on the floor with my legs open. Today, I was kind of laying back. So, I think it was easier.
I still felt like I was freaking out a little, though. I still felt dizzy and like I was going to pass out. Also, I felt a little burning sensation after it had been in for about 3 minutes. When the burning started, I started to freak out a little more and felt even dizzier. But, I was able to calm down and leave it in for about five minutes.
Also, it didn't hurt at all when I was pulling it out. This is an improvement from yesterday. I think that had a lot to do with my position, as well.
P.S. I have a job interview for a position doing exactly what I want to do in life, tomorrow!! So, it has been a pretty great day! The only down side is it is only a part-time position for now. And, I really need something full-time because my husband is studying computer science and needs to be a full-time student. But, overall I'm happy with how today has turned out!

Thank God for tiny Q-tip Blessings

Inspired by reading Butterfly's blog and my book I decided to try to insert a Q-tip. I used KY and was able to insert it a little. Basically, I just got the actual cotton tip part in.
It didn't hurt at all, but I felt like I was freaking out a little. Every time I tried to push it in further I felt dizzy and like I was going to pass out and automatically shut my knees. I was able to get it in very far because I kept freaking out, feeling like I was going to pass out and that caused my muscles tighten which caused a burn.
So, I just left it in where it was for a while. Which really opened a whole new door of emotions. I actually have tears in my eyes writing this because it was so surreal. First of all, just looking in the mirror and opening up I could see there actually was a tiny opening there. Which never was there before! Before I felt like I didn't ever know really where I was trying to push because everything was so closed up! But, now I can see!
So basically, I just left it in for about 10 minutes letting my body get used to the feeling of having something in it. Which, I can say helped emotionally. Just setting there where something inserted inside my was crazy!! I actually took a picture, LOL, to show my husband when he gets home. Let's hope I don't lose that memory card!!
But, I am considering this a SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for small successes and q-tip blessings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Found Someone Like Me!

I have found someone who is going through a lot of the same things I am. She is also married and is also suffering from vaginismus. She has had some success with penetration and physical therapy as well as some set backs. She is blogging about them at www.vaginismusawarness.wordpress.com
I commented on her post but, couldn't find anyway to directly contact her. I would like to be in direct contact, though. I feel like she could really help me. It is very reassuring knowing there is someone out there going through everything I have gone through and is working through it. She has been able to have penetration, although she did state it is still painful, and is now pregnant!
Now, I just wish my husband would get a MINUTE off of work so we could do our exercises. I have decided that I am going to try and work on some stuff on my own since he is having to work so much, now. I am starting to do a Yoga DVD I have to relax and I am also do some exploring by using a hand mirror to look and touch. Also, I have gotten out my Vaginismus book and am trying to relearn both the actual anatomy and how it works and maybe try some more pelvic floor exercises! I am excited to get started!
I want my husband to get a day off!!!!

Sex and The City Envy

I the 22-year-old married virgin am I die-hard Sex and The City fan. This is ironic for several reasons. First and foremost, I am a virgin. Secondly, I was not only married at 19. I married the only boy I ever loved. All three very un-Carrie Bradshaw like things.
However, I am still a die-hard SATC fan. I guess I relate most to Charlotte. She, like I, believe in true love and happy endings. And, she too was in a sexless marriage. Although, hers was the fault of the erectile dysfunction of her husband, Trey, whom she eventually left. So, not very reassuring there. And, of course I relate Carrie in the fact that we both hold Journalism degrees.
Anyway, there are two things I envy about Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda. The first of course being that they actually have sex lives. The second being their friendship. Do most women have this tight group of girl friends they talk so graphically too? I don't. Maybe it was where I was brought up. We are modest bunch here in the south. Most things aren't spoken about. Even when the group of girl friends I have do talk about sex it isn't in near detail of the SATC crowd. I of course try to remain mum, contributing very little. Because I have very little to contribute.
It isn't just the candor in which they speak about their sex lives I envy. It is their overall friendship. I just don't feel that close to my friends, I guess. That I could open up to them about such personal issues. For instance, no one but my husband knows about my vaginismus. Maybe that is what makes me introverted about sex.
Maybe I just have an overall problem opening up to people after losing such a great friend in such a violent way. (I had a good friend commit suicide almost two years ago). I don't know. What I do know is, I have Sex and The City Envy.

Lousy with Virginity

Look at me, I'm Franny G
Lousy with Virginity
Won't go to bed,
even though I'm legally wed
I can't! I'm Franny G


That's my virgin of Sandra D from Grease!

How does a dead man over 80 inspire me to overcome vaginismus?

My grandfather was born in the 20's to poor sharecroppers. He fought in two wars. He was deemed a "war hero" by those who knew of the battles he fought. He served under General Patton and could have written first hand of accounts of the most historic battles in the world. But, he stayed quiet and moved back to the rural area he grew up in, venturing away only when his country called, speaking very rarely about the things he saw during years at war. By the time my grandfather was 20-years-old he had collected the bodies of his fellow soldiers on the beaches of Normandy, he had fought his way across Iwo Jimma and he had spent what would later be deemed "the longest winter", but is more commonly referred to as the, Battle of the Bulge,in Belgium. He saved five soldiers lives that day in Belgium. After being hit several times himself, he still managed to pull them to safety before doctoring his own wounds and continuing to fight while moving the rest of his men to higher ground. He was a hero. He was awarded medals and honors. They even named the VFW building in town after him. He was a man who spent his life honoring this country, his word and his family.
If you would have asked about being a "war hero" when he was alive, he would have just smiled a small sad smile and pull a faded picture out of his wallet. He would have told you that was his brother. His name was Wally and he was just 21-years-old when he was killed at Pearl Harbor. He would have told you Wally was the hero, not him.
But, he did talk to me about once. He told me that although he has heard people have a fight or flight instinct, he must not have one. Because, all he could think about was doing what he had to do and fighting his way out of there. And, to get as many of his "brothers" out of there as possible.
I realize it may not be the same. But, that is what I plan to do with this condition. To fight to get out of this place. And, to blog about it to help as many of you get out of this place as well. I feel that we are sort of an army. An army entrenched in silence. He told me he rarely talked about the battles he was in because no one unless they were there would understand. It would be impossible. I feel that way about vaginismus. That you have to be going through it to understand.
So, my new fourth of July goal is to fight my way out of this war. How can I not? I don't think I have a flight instinct, either.

First Successful Pelvic Exam

Yesterday, I had my first successful pelvic exam. It has been four weeks since my surgery so, my husband and I drove the four hours for my check up and to meet with my therapist. I say the exam was successful, but that does not mean she was able to perform what is considered a "normal" pap smear. However, she was able to insert a q-tip and was able to see that I am now open.
However, my vaginismus prohibited me from allowing her to do the normal exam. Even with the q-tip I kept pulling away from her and freaking out. But, it didn't hurt. I just can't help pulling away. So, now I have to work on that. My therapist gave my husband and I some Sensate Focus exercises to start with. Also, we are supposed to try inserting something small. The doctor suggested either I could insert a q-tip or he could use his finger.
I think that I would have more success with my husband trying to insert his finger as opposed to me trying the q-tip. I feel that I would get too nervous and end up talking my self out of it.
That may sound weird that I would rather him try than me, but I think I trust him more than I trust myself. I have known since I was barely a teenager that no matter what he would always support me. I wouldn't be here without him. I wouldn't be a lot of places without him. He has the patience of Job.
Right now he is having to work ALL of the time because of his job. But, once his work slows down, we will start with the Sensate focus exercises and the small insertions.
It is kind of crazy how far we have come in three months. For six years, we were at a stalemate. In three months, I have met with a therapist several times, had two examinations by a gynecologist and a hymenectomy. That is a lot of progess for a short amount of time. I am feeling pretty good about where I am right now and where I am going.

The Sluts vs. Virgins Epidemic

Why in this society do we continue to teach our teenage girls that they must either be sluts or virgins? Why are we not teaching our youth about responsible sexual behavior. Tonight I caught a rerun of one of my favorite documentaries, 16 and Pregnant on MTV. They also made a follow up serious called Teen Mom.
Watching this show takes me back to my high school years. Like myself, most of these girls grew up in rural lower middle class families. 9 times out of 10 the girls and their partners did not use birth control. And, most of them say they,"just didn't think they would get pregnant." This is our fault.
As a teen I was taught one thing, if you have sex before you get married you are whore. Sex is for marriage. I was even told in one youth group session that there was no reason to know too much about your anatomy down there because it would all work out once you were married. Our bodies were made to fit perfectly with our future spouses. Which, as you can imagine, was terrible shock when I realized that no, my body did not fit perfectly with my husband.
There was no sex education in my home, in my school or in my church. It was all scare tactics and gossip. The guys calling the girls whores, the girls calling each other sluts and the girl whose homecoming title was taken away from her for getting pregnant. How can we not teach our teens about sex and then act shocked and appalled when they end up pregnant at 16? I do realize that by growing up the "bible belt" what I was taught is very different than in larger cities. So, if you're reading this from New York you're probably thinking, "What is this 1953?" But, where I'm from and where the teenage pregnancy rate is rising, not much has changed since 1953.
I admit, there is a part of me that gets angry when I watch this show. It's not fair these young careless girls can go out and get pregnant at 15 and I can't even have sex with my husband. But, that's not the point. The point is for the first time in years teen pregnancy is on the rise. It's because we are not educating our youth.
I believe that my lack of real sexual education and education about my own body may be a contributing factor to my vaginismus. I was told over and over again that sex is bad. And, if you do it you are a whore. We were basically taught to fear sex. My parents, teachers, church leaders had good intentions. I'm not saying they didn't. I don't think 16-year-old's should be having sex either. But, they are. They will continue to do so. And, if I could have I would have, too.
If we aren't teaching them properly we are only causing more damage. I can't say for a fact that this lead directly to my vaginismus. There is not way of knowing why I suffer from vaginismus. But, these messages do contribute directly to the teen birth rate. So, why are we doing this to our young girls? Why are me making them feel ashamed of their bodies and their feelings?
Why can't we stress abstinence and also educate? The last time I checked knowledge was power. Why can't we empower these girls instead of tearing them down? I believe we should give our youths choices. Choices about birth control, choices about sex, choices about their lives. We teach them chemistry and hope they take that knowledge and go to college and make good choices and lead good lives. But, we can't teach them how to properly use a condom and hope they take knowledge and make good choices and lead good lives?
I don't understand it. I refuse to be a part of this. So, I write. I write everything I have never told anyone. With the hope that someone might learn from this.

Post Secret

These are a couple of posts on one of my favorite sites, postsecret.com

It makes me realize there a lot more people out there like me.

Post Secret

These are a couple of posts on one of my favorite sites, postsecret.com

It makes me realize there a lot more people out there like me.

Risk the Bloom

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin

Vaginismus Rears It's Ugly Head

Three weeks ago I had a Hymenectomy. Physically I am now, normal. I am healed. And, I should have no problems. Enter Vaginismus Stage Right.
Today I realized I had not posted lately. I have been on the post-college job search, which has taken up a lot of my time. Also, yesterday my husband was injured at work and we had to spend all day in the emergency room. He is pretty much fine now, just a really bad sprained ankle and foot. But, it's been crazy.
Anyway, today I decided I would perform an experiment for my blog. Since I am no longer any any pain whatsoever, I decided I would try to insert a small tampon. Epic Fail. I just put the tampon in place and hadn't even began to try to push it in yet, when I started to feel dizzy, light headed and my whole body tensed up. While trying to push it in, I could feel my legs and pelvic muscles tightening up and I literally couldn't even allow my self to put it in at all. So, I guess I will have to try again.
I go back to the doctor for a check up next Tuesday and I think that will help a lot. Hopefully she will be able to perform an exam on me. (I do think she is going to have to give me a stronger Valium this time, though to get through it). If she can perform the exam. And, I know something can be inserted, I am sure that will help with my emotional reactions.
You may have won this battle Vaginismus, but I shall win the war.

Is This What Normal Feels Like?

It has been 13 days since I had a Hymenectomy. It definitely feels different. I was able to quit taking aspirin at the end of last week. And, I don't have any pain anymore. I do think I can feel a difference. I haven't actually tried to physically feel where the hymen was removed, because I'm not sure I am completley healed, yet. The doctors said my stitches would dissolve in about two weeks, but I'm not supposed to come in for a follow-up until 4 weeks. (Reminder to self: Call Dr. and set up follow-up appointment) So, I don't really want to mess anything up.
But, I do think I can feel more of an opening, now. Maybe it is just in my head. I don't know. Maybe it doesn't really matter. Maybe if I feel that it is more open, even if it is just in my head, that will make me more susceptible to the physical and emotional therapy I will be going through. Maybe this is what normal feels like.
Although I do feel there is a physical difference, I also still clench my legs and gets nervous just thinking about the follow-up pelvic exam. I know the doctors were able to use the largest speculum available during the exam. However, it is still hard for me to wrap my head around that. Maybe they should have taken a photo to prove it to me. I know, that is probably unethical or something. But, I would have definitely given my permission in the name of science and my sanity. After five years of feeling like it is impossible, it is hard to just suddenly accept. That is where my therapy will come in, I suppose.
On another positive note, my skin is clearing up! I have struggled with acne for 3-4 years. When I say struggled, I mean struggled. I went the dermatologist. I had prescription antibiotics, creams, lotions, you name it. I also tried every over the counter product you could think of. But, nothing worked. When I went the the gynecologist about a month ago, she was able to prescribe me birth control. I was never able to be on it before because I was never able to have a pelvic exam. Well, I'm happy to report after a month, my face is clearing up! Well, maybe it was the combination of the birth control and the New Proactive I started using last month. Either way, I'm happy.
Is this what normal feels like? I've spent so many years not being normal and hiding it. It feels freeing to perform these simple tasks, like take a birth control pill every day. Every day I get closer and closer to being "normal". But, in a way I will never be normal. Having had Vaginismus and undergoing treatment, that will automatically make me different. But, I have a feeling not as different as I once believed. I think there are more of you out there like me. That's why I'm writing this.

Some Background Info on Hymenectomy and Vaginismus

Hello all,

I just thought I would make a post about why I chose to have a Hymenectomy. It is true that a Hymenectomy surgery is not a cure for Vaginismus.
I chose to have a Hymenctomy 6 days of ago. After having a pelvic exam, it was discovered that I still had an intact hymen. Because of my intact hymen every time anything was attempted to be inserted into my vagina, I felt pain. This caused me to become involuntarily protective. Thus my Vaginismus, an involuntary clamping of the pelvic muscles, was born.
Now that I have had the Hymenectomy, the hope is there will no longer be pain when something is inserted into the vagina. So, just as my body learned to involuntarily clamp to prevent pain, it will learn it doesn't have to when there is no pain. This will mean both physical and emotional therapy for me. So that both my mind and my muscles will learn a new pattern of behavior.
The reason I am writing this is to let those who may be suffering from Vaginismus know that a Hymenectomy is not the "cure all" for their problem. Believe me, I wish it were that easy.
Again, I urge anyone who thinks they may have Vaginismus or an intact hymen or any problem whatsoever to contact someone. Contact a sex therapist, a gynecologist, your general doctor. And, if you can't find anyone to help you, contact me. I will talk to the doctors and therapist I see and we will try to help you.
NO ONE should have to suffer through this alone. That is the reason I am writing this blog. (That and the fact that writing about my experience, which I have told no one about, helps me to heal.) So, contact me with any questions or comments you might have.

Scrub-A-Dub-Dub I'm Sick of the Tub

So,

You may be wondering what the title of this post is about Well, my surgeon recommended that I take four baths a day to help my stitches heal. It's 6pm and I just got out of my 3rd bath of the day. I've got to tell you, I'm getting sick of baths! And, I'm usually a 2 bath a day kind of girl. But, the surgeon said it will help me heal and I will do whatever it takes to help me heal.
I'm actually doing a lot better today. I have only taken one Tylenol 3 and 4 aspirin. That is considerably less than what I was taking before. And, I've had a lot less bleeding in the past few days.
I was thinking earlier that I haven't really given you a lot of background information on why it took me so long to get the surgery. Well, here goes:
I was 13 years old when I started my period. I tried to insert a tampon and it hurt so much that I was not able to get it in. After that, I tried repeatedly to insert tampons, but was never able to. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about this. I thought I was just being a baby.
When I was 17 I was in love with my then boyfriend, now husband and we tried to have sex. We were not successful. It hurt too much. We tried again and again. Once again, I was too embarrassed to figure out the problem.
I thought it may have something to do with my religious background. I thought maybe once we got engaged I would be able to. When I was 18, we got engaged. We were still unsuccessful. So, I told myself I would be able to when we got married. When I was 19, we got married. However, we were still not successful.
Not long after we got married I started doing my research and discovered vaginismus. I knew this is what I had. So, I ordered the books and dilators that promised to cure my vaginimus. I spent months doing the exercises and trying the dilators. I was never able to insert the dilators. I was heartbroken. I just knew I was a freak of nature and would never be cured. So, I put it off.
Finally after two years of being married and trying unsuccessfully to have sex and trying unsuccessfully to insert the dilators. I found a sex therapist four hours away who would treat me.
She asked if I had ever had a pap smear. I told her I tried once and left the office in tears because the doctor told me, "It will all work itself out after you get married." Well obviously, it didn't. Within minutes of seeing the nurse practitioner the sex therapist recommended, she had discovered my hymen was still intact. She introduced me to the surgeon who would perform the surgery that day. A few days later, I had scheduled the surgery. Two weeks later I was having the surgery preformed.
Today, it has been four days since the surgery. I am healing nicely. I am very optimistic about the future.
I'm not writing this blog for the average reader. Believe me, if I weren't going through these problems then I wouldn't want to read about them. And, I have a degree in journalism. For hours I searched online for first hand accounts from women like me. Women who felt so desperately alone. Women who could give me hope. Women who had been where I was and had made it through. There weren't many. And,honestly the ones that were out there tended to gloss over the gory details. I won't do that. I will tell you everything. From the bleeding, to the healing, the sadness to the joy. I promise to write the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

72 Hours Later

Hello Blog World,

It has officially been 72 hours since my hymenectomy surgery. How am I? Sore.Optimistic.Bleeding.Better.
After three days, I am still a little sore. It mostly only hurts when I make sudden movements or when my medicine wears off. I think a lot of the reason why I am sore today is because I tried to do a lot yesterday. I attended a bridal shower of a friend yesterday. I am still bleeding a little,but it's not too bad. Also, I am still sleeping with an ice pack and taking my Tylenol 3 every three hours.
I am pretty optimistic that all of this will get better as time goes on. On a positive note, being sore actually makes me more aware of my body. Before, I wasn't that aware of my body. Whenever I tried to insert something,such as a tampon, it felt as if I was hitting a wall. However, the soreness now help me feel actually where the opening of the vagina is.
Before having the exam I was actually very worried that there was something wrong the the anatomy of my vagina. I thought I may not have an opening or if I did there was something wrong with it. Now, I can tell where the opening is in comparison to the rest of my vagina from where the soreness is.
It is kind of empowering now to know that there is nothing wrong with me. When I heal, I should be perfect. And, there is no reason why I will not be able to be successful with sex, tampon insertion, etc. after I heal.
I only have good things to look forward to. Now, my only question is, Why didn't do this sooner?!?

Too Important to Give Up

Hi all,

I just got home from the shower. All in all it was a success. Lots of great food, great presents and great friends. I hope the bride-to-be had a most enjoyable time.
However, on a sad note, I received some terrible news while I was there. A good friend of mine from high school's mother committed suicide. She left behind my friend and a young sibling. This is terrible. This, unfortunately, is not my first experience with suicide.
A couple of years ago a great childhood friend of mine, a girl who had everything, committed suicide. As with most cases, there were "superficial" circumstances surrounding both deaths. Such as, a boyfriend leaving. As much as I hurt for my friend that lost their mother and as much as I am hurt by the loss of my friend a few years ago, it makes me realize something.
THIS ISSUE IS TOO IMPORTANT TO GIVE UP.
I have struggled with what I now know to be vaginismus and an intact hymen for five years. For so long, I thought I was a "freak of nature" and I would never be able to overcome this problem.
It wasn't until recently that I started actively seeking help. The loss of these women just reinforces the idea that I must take charge, I must get help.
I don't know what made these women give up. I don't know why at 20 and 40 they thought they had nothing left to live for. Maybe if they had actively searched for help for their problems, they would have made different decisions.
But, I know this. I will never give up. Either the way they did or by just stopping trying.
This is too important. My life is too important. My happiness is too important. My marriage is too important. I AM TOO IMPORTANT.

Shower

Hello Blog World,
I am feeling better today. I slept with an ice pack and have been taking the Tylenol 3 every 3 hours. I'm still a little sore. But, every day is getting better.
Actually, I am feeling well enough to attend a bridal shower. A good friend of mine is getting married and I am a bridesmaid. We are having her shower this afternoon and I will hobble there if I have to! I wouldn't miss it for the world.
The hardest part about things like this is the fact that no one knows what I'm going through. So, I smile and pretend like everything is okay. And, no one knows both the physical and emotional pain the vaginismus and the Hymenectomy are causing me.
For those of you who may be new to the blog, I had my Hymenectomy surgery on Thursday. I know what your thinking, Hymen-What? Yeah, me too. The Hymenectomy was a procedure I had done to cut away a rigid hymen. I hoping this surgery along with both physical and emotional therapy will help me overcome my vaginismus.
I will be blogging about my healing experiences for the next 4 weeks. Then, I return to the doctor to make sure I have healed normally. After that, the hard stuff starts. I will begin the physical and emotional therapy. And hopefully, I will be on my way to recovery!

Hymen-What?

I am a 22-year-old recent college graduate, I have been married to my high school sweetheart for two and a half years and I am still technically a virgin. Weird, right? I know.
After years of living in shame, pain and secret, I finally decided to get help.
A few months ago, I contacted a sex therapist who lives in a city about four hours away. My husband and I took a weekend and went to visit her. She confirmed what I had thought. I more than likely had Vaginismus. Vaginismus is an involuntary contracting of your pelvic muscles, which doesn't let you insert anything into the vagina, making sex, pelvic exams and even tampon insertion impossible.
The therapist I saw, set me up with a nurse practitioner to perform a pelvic exam who had experience working with women who had vaginismus. I have had a bad experience with a pelvic exam in the past.
The nurse practitioner was able to shed even more light onto my problem. She confirmed I still had an intact hymen. This is what was causing the pain when I tried to insert something, which was making the tightening of the muscles an involuntary reaction learned from the previous painful experiences.
The nurse practitioner was able to set me up with a surgeon she practiced with to preform the hymenctomy. A hymenctomy is an outpatient surgery to remove the hymen.
So yesterday, I was taken into the hospital, given mild sedation and twenty minutes later I was officially hymen-less. I was released from the hospital that afternoon and sent home with Tylenol 3. Although the pain wasn't TERRIBLE, it was kind of intense. So, note to doctors: PLEASE PRESCRIBE PATIENTS SOMETHING STRONGER THAN TYLENOL 3. IT HURTS. IT WOULDN'T HAVE TO HURT IF WE HAD SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT STRONGER.
After spending the last two days with an ice pack and two tylenol 3's every three hours, I am doing pretty good.
I was very nervous about the surgery because I had never had an operation before, but everything from admissions, to the sedation, to the recovery went extremely well. I had great nurses and a great surgeon.
Now, I just have to wait and see how I heal. I plan on continuing therapy with the sex therapist and I plan on starting physical therapy.
I started this blog to help others who may have vaginismus or a hymen problem because I was not able to find much personal information on the subjects. So, feel free to message me if you have any questions about what I'm going through or if I can help you.

P.S. My name is not really Franny Glass. It's from my favorite book,Franny and Zooey.